Strong Moms

When I was a newlywed, I had no hesitation about starting our family, I was pretty sure that we would be decent parents and potentially a little better than our parents because, hello, we watched how they parented and saw the ways we could improve on the program. Confidence is sometimes just a fancy word for inexperience, not necessarily competence.

We chose not to wait to have kids and like a lot of new parents we got a starter child, the one that seems so easy that it sucks you into the idea that it wouldn’t be that hard to do it again. So we did. Not for awhile- an almost three year gap was my cushion to figure out the pregnancy things a little better and be “prepared” to parent the next baby a little more effectively. I enjoyed my first baby thoroughly and wondered why people thought babies are so hard. Here are the ten things I didn’t realize about moms at the time.

1. Babies are hard. Mothers are their sole source of protection, comfort, food and entertainment. “What about dads!!” I can almost hear the protesting. Baby isn’t easily convinced that anyone else will do in the beginning because for the first nine months that baby has been surrounded by mom, protected, warmed, fed and soothed by her. Changing their mind is the work of constant effort and sometimes they still won’t buy that grandma, dad or someone else can really do that much for the situation when mom has had it covered. Not every baby can be convinced. A tiny person that needs you is tiring and wonderful. Just remember that it’s both and cut yourself some slack.
2. Mothers don’t enjoy every single minute of motherhood. They’re often very kind and sacrifice much. They are trying and succeeding in many ways. They are not always having a good time and sometimes want to have a tantrum with the kid……. but who has the energy for that.
3. We don’t have the energy to do all the things. I thought moms could really do it all. My mom worked hard and I thought tirelessly for her family. She was tired and I didn’t see it. I wish I had told her to go lay down and let me wash some dishes. I didn’t. Kids will let you work yourself to death- be a mule, not a horse.
4. My mom has always been awesome and she also used to be hot. Slender, attractive, strong, extremely well groomed and all the things. She is still a great many wonderful things and the sighs I very occasionally heard were not pride, just remembering how things used to be. Her eight pregnancies and so many joyful moments with kids won’t erase her memory of what reality used to be. Physical demands on your body change things, lack of sleep changes things. I don’t know too many moms with small children that have time or energy for extensive work out time. If that’s you, awesome. If it’s not, you’re okay. And no work out will give you back the body of a 20 year old without children, not if you’re no longer twenty, not if you have children. It’s hard.
5. Moms don’t know everything. I knew that intellectually but reality was pretty harsh when I realized that not only do moms not know everything, they sometimes have mom brain and the things they do know may take forever to load and then only part of the information is available and may disappear any moment. Sorry, the OS has crashed. Would you like to report the problem? Maybe power off and turn it on again later. Lol.
6. Moms are vastly different , they compare and feel guilty about it. Guilt and motherhood have such a trauma bond. Catholic moms, you are rock stars- how do you survive the triumvirate of guilt?
7. Mom’s stuff is everyone’s stuff. Even when she says it isn’t, no one believes her.
8. Moms love their kids and love them a little more after some sleep, some food and some alone time. This doesn’t make them bad moms, it makes them human.
9. Moms voices speak the loudest to a kid’s heart. If you say kind things they will believe you, if you say unkind words, they will echo in their minds. If you’re going to be the voice in someone’s head for the rest of their life, that’s a lot of pressure. Speak kindly to yourself, it’s the best practice.
10. Sometimes they are repeating themselves because they didn’t remember if they said something to that kid already and there are six tabs open and their minds are stuck in the endless cycle of instructing, reminding, etc. and sometimes they are muttering things repeatedly to themselves so they don’t forget what they wanted to do or say next. This is no reflection on the intelligence of the hearers so don’t be offended. They may appear crazy but such is the price of genius.
    • I really didn’t understand my mother before I had kids and I am so grateful that I pulled the trigger anyway. I trusted that the note of sincerity in her voice when she said that her children are a great blessing was real. She was right. I didn’t need to know everything about mothers, just that they have a great opportunity to change the world.