Strong Moms

You have the blessed opportunity to hold a tiny new baby and breathe in that sweet smell and see the tiny precious fingers and toes and look deep into those eyes that hold innocence and endless wisdom all at the same time.

You also have a sore everything, a chest that is tender and tight, nether regions that have never been so stretched out of shape before and a water bed attached to your front that has very strange marks all over it. You may also have a house that hasn’t been really cleaned for awhile or maybe someone else has been cleaning for you, or maybe you have been trying so hard to keep it up and are feeling overwhelmed with the feeding, the changing of the tiny royal buns and the not sleeping while still loading the dishwasher and the washing machine and sweeping and vacuuming. You might be cooking meals and trying to figure out how you will ever get things under control before your mother in law comes over or you have to go back to work or your husband has to go back to work and leave you here with this tiny dependent human and you’re scared spitless.

It’s also possible that your anxiety, your suicidal thoughts or your ocd are flaring like crazy. There are a lot of changes that happen with a new baby and not all of them are the warmest and fuzziest of changes. Why can’t we just buy a tiny snow suit for our anxiety and worries when we buy them for the tiny people? “Excuse me, I’d like my anxiety suit in size medium on the gift registry, thanks.”

So there are a lot of suggestions out there for making it through the first few days, weeks, months and years with your new little child person. Some of the advice might be very useful and even entertaining and some will be irrelevant to your situation. Some will not work for you because your personality doesn’t operate that way, your income won’t support it or your family situation won’t support it.

Here are some things that I wish I had known before I had kids and that I wanted someone to tell me repeatedly until I got it. Some of these people did try to tell me but I wasn’t hearing what they were trying to say. So I will try and be a little more clear.

1. It’s your baby (and presumably one other person’s, at least in the literal reality of it) and you will have to make the decisions and live with them. Other people have an opinion. You may choose to listen to their advice but at the end of the day you will make the decisions and bear the consequences. The people doing the talking will go home and you will still be taking care of the baby. You make it work for you and your child. If you feel like something is off with your baby, ask questions until you get answers. If your mom instinct says that there’s a problem, dig until you get a satisfactory outcome. No one else can do what you do- tune into your baby in a very bonded and connected way. Trust it.
2. When they tell you at the hospital or birthing center, or when your midwife at home tells you that you need to stay off your feet and not lift anything heavier than the baby for weeks, listen. They aren’t trying to tell you that you don’t feel amazing and ready to take on the world. They aren’t telling you that you are weak and that this advice is only for older moms. They aren’t just covering their own rear ends and giving you “good advice” for the sake of sounding good or something. Maybe you can’t really stay down when you have other kids and maybe you have to go back to work doing menial labor to feed yourself. I don’t know, all I know is that you have a wound the size of your fist inside your uterus and it has to rebuild itself. If you use your energy healing this wound and making milk for your baby and you add anything else to the list, your body has to come up with the energy somewhere to make the things happen. If it takes it from your milk supply or healing the wound, recovery will take that much longer and potentially you would struggle to make sufficient milk for the wee tot. Your abdominal muscles have been stretched around baby and separated and knitting things back together is a fairly involved process. You have to have sleep and nutrients for healing. If you don’t give it time the muscles get pulled further out of place, the other muscles compensate for the weakness and you get some weird back problems and ain’t nobody happy now. Use a belly binder for a few weeks after birth to tip all your insides back inside and to give your muscles a chance to put it all back together. If you skip this step you may end up with some serious back issues and a pooch in the front that could potentially have been avoided. Do not try and exercise until you have consulted a professional about your recovery. Ask me how I know.
3. Visit a chiropractor – child carrying and birthing can really mess up your skeletal structure and musculature . Your back and hips will thank you, maybe your head as well. Nagging headache when dehydrated was cured for me when I visited the chiropractor. I wish I hadn’t waited so long.
4. Follow a good vitamin regimen. Not all vitamins are great in their composition, absorbability, efficacy. Some may not set well with you, try a different brand. Some people have a hard time absorbing through their digestive system so some may be applied topically, such as magnesium lotions or creams etc. Having a baby is a draining experience and you may need a bit extra of iron or Potassium or zinc. You can visit your doctor and have your levels checked. If you are deficient, nothing will feel right.
5. If you are struggling mentally, tell someone. Tell your spouse, co-parent, mother, sister, doctor, midwife, someone. Tell them again. Tell them more clearly or perhaps describe your thoughts for them if they aren’t taking you seriously. Ask for help with taking a shower daily or taking your vitamins or just letting you get out and go for a walk alone for a few minutes. Do what it takes to feel like things can be okay. If you need medication, get it. If the medication isn’t doing what was described to you, ask more questions. You may need something more than a few simple lifestyle changes but many times it can be amazing how much a clean eating diet and exercise will do for your mental state.
6. It’s okay to pare down stuff in order to be able to function. Your baby maybe doesn’t need that many toys, dishes, clothes or other things. Maybe you need a maid to come in and clean for a few hours once a week if circumstances permit. Maybe you need to trade doing something that you can do while resting that you can trade to a maid to clean in your house. You might pare down on your clothes, you schedule, your projects or your toys. Maybe less is more.

• Bonus- Before you head out for the hospital, soak some big overnight sanitary pads ( the ones the size of a boat, trust me) in comfrey tea, lavender or camomile tea and put them in the freezer. I know that sounds pretty crunchy mama but if you ask the nice people in the health food store for help finding tea, they will help a girl out. When everything is sore and throbbing from everything that stretched and hopefully didn’t tear when that cute little head (that felt like a much bigger head from the inside) passed through, you can put that pad in the astoundingly stretchy hospital underwear and it will be heavenly. Obviously after it melts, you can switch it out for a drier and more absorbent solution but you can do 15 minutes on and then 15 minutes off for awhile.

I love the newborn stage and it doesn’t last long enough for me. Don’t miss it because you are trying to do it all and then some. A baby changes your life and sometimes it will feel like it ends everything that you had before, your sanity, your motivation, your night life, your sleep. It will.

It does change everything. But not all the changes are forever. Someday you probably will sleep again. You will find some motivation and some sanity but it will be different than before. That’s okay. And having a baby changes you in ways that you never knew it would. You are a different person than you were before. You will figure it out and thrive. I know you can because I have seen all the beautiful moms figuring out the best for themselves and their kids. It’s what we do.