Strong Moms

“I just realized that I have no idea what I’m doing and everyone else seems to know. How did I get here and what do I do now?” That was a rough day. It didn’t dawn quickly, it was a slow realization and then hit me all at once.

This day happened for me about ten years ago. I had six children and I had been in figure things out mode for 15 years, give or take. I had a new baby and I actually felt okay about what to do with an actual infant, but I had no idea what to do about the pressing problems of motherhood that came up every day. My children were wonderful, and as far as I could tell, pretty much like other people’s kids. I just knew that I was supposed to have things figured out by now and I really didn’t. The big problem was that I had previously thought if I just kept pushing forward it would become clear. I hit a wall where I was tired and not willing to just grin and bear it anymore.

Every other thing is kind of that way. Learning to walk, just keep getting up and trying again. Learning to ride a bike, just keep pushing off and balancing and you finally get it. Keep making the recipe and you’ll finally figure it out. Just keep having kids and eventually you’ll figure it out..sorta….maybe….or maybe not so much. Just keep not getting divorced and you’ll have a happy marriage………ha.

I just started with what my parents did and sure enough they are different people and it didn’t work for me. Some of the mom stuff has, some not. So I started looking more closely at what other moms were doing that seemed to work. I have always tried to do things that I felt were important and couldn’t seem to get a handle on the basics. Keep the house clean and the kids fed and clean and the marriage, clean up the messes that come from people trying to live together and take responsibility for the messes your personality creates. I just kind of tried to be loving, giving and clean a lot.

I learned that I am not that great at cleaning all the time. I don’t want to clean all the time. I started hating the people that make the messes, not everything about them, just the messiest parts. I started looking at other people to see if the problem was that I just wasn’t cleaning hard enough, metaphorically or literally. I asked around and discovered that everyone seemed to feel the same way, even the moms with cleaner houses than mine.

So I learned to ask questions. I learned to be more curious. I learned to be more vulnerable. I learned that good moms are most often willing to lend a hand to a fellow mom in distress. When I learned to ask and listen, they were willing to share what worked for them and what didn’t and to extend grace to me as I worked to figure things out.

So if something here is helpful, remember that every mom I know had been in the “I don’t know what I’m doing” boat as well as the “I wish someone would just tell me the secret that everyone else seems to get” boat and the ” I don’t do this as well as ‘Stella ‘hella awesome’ over there” boat.

You will work out what you have to have to want to live and what you need to see and feel in order to function. Some moms need order, some moms need more teamwork. Some moms need freedom and choices and creativity and some moms need more chocolate. Well, most moms probably would like more chocolate. Or cheese? I talked a mom the other day that didn’t love chocolate and now I’m questioning everything I’ve ever said to other moms to check and see if I’m insensitive. lol

So In No Particular Order:

Things that I have learned that help me a lot.

Work in circles. Start in the bedroom and make your bed. Throw those sheets and blankets toward the top and shake the corners a little. Or be precise and orderly and place the throw pillows carefully. Doesn’t really matter just make the bed. If you have the means to put a blanket or bedspread or duvet on your bed that you really like, do it. It’s more fun to make a pretty bed than an ugly one but beds need love regardless so hug yours for eight-ish hours at night and tell it you love it.

Then make your way into the next room and start the laundry or put away a few things in the kids room or open the curtains in the living room or lounge or whatever you call that room where you do the things. Don’t get involved too heavily, this isn’t a marriage kind of cleaning and organizing, this is a mild flirtation to get a feel for the situation. Once you’ve made the circle once, maybe step outside and take a breath of fresh air or sit in your car and cry if the mess is too overwhelming or the kids are way too crazy. Don’t stay too long there either but have your moment and then make another circle. Switch over the laundry and grab a snack for the kids or yourself or start the pan of water for the cereal or the coffee maker or whatever. Don’t sit down until your have made a couple circles unless that’s where you are at with bad knees or pregnant bellies or your kid is crying. Maybe make the circle only three rooms. Don’t let yourself dive too deep unless you genuinely have the time and energy for it. Perfectionism will eat you alive if you let it.

If you are a routines person and you have the list and you want to follow it in a special order and that doesn’t involve circles, no harm no foul. I have a memory like Dorrie the fish and working in circles helps me not get bogged down with the numerous things that work in cycles, like washing the clothes and running the dishwasher and picking up toys and reminding kids where they are at with a cleaning chore. If I circle I can do the next thing and keep things moving forward. I also notice things that need doing and do them.

If you have small children, fitting things in while they’re busy works pretty well. I cleaned the toilet when the kids were in the bathtub playing. Not out of arms reach, just a step away and still getting things done. Kid taking a long and verbal restroom break, maybe even complete with vivid descriptions of their……..processes? Clean the mirror or wipe the counter while they take their sweet time. Maybe both and clean the bathtub too! Then when they want to change their clothes or shoes or what ever? Look under their beds for the lost things that you will need soon and wouldn’t even know to look there.

I also keep a list of things that need doing when I have a minute. These can also be handed out as encouragement or reminders to not hit one’s brother or to follow through with things you’ve promised to do and decided not to. When someone asks, “How can I help?” refer to the list. The chance it will be a child or spouse might seem unlikely but one must always be prepared for even the most unusual occurrences.

I am not in fact wandering, nor am I lost. I am just circling like the loading emblem on a computer.

May the odds be ever in your favor!