Strong Moms

I never understood why moms didn’t seem to love Mother’s Day. It seemed really weird to me until I had my second child. Then it hit me.

The guilt, the comparisons and the inadequacies. Perhaps the third year of not sleeping consistently had something to do with it, I’m not sure. The first child is just to lull you into a sense of false security if you get an easy one, like I did. The number of children grew to six and my dislike of Mother’s Day right along with it.

So today, after 25 years of mother-hood, I attended my church’s meeting and there were the requisite number of people talking about their moms, their grandma’s and the women of the Bible that inspire all of us to feel like a bag of old bulk oatmeal. “They never complained”. REALLY?

Or maybe they just never yelled…..or never ______________. Whatever.

Reality says that sometimes they yelled and sometimes they complained and sometimes they might have even been disobedient and yelled and complained AT GOD. Maybe they didn’t write it down in their journals or the biblical prophet didn’t get that part of the story from them to write down for them. Maybe they were the mother of the prophet or scribe and their kid knew better than to write down anything not very complimentary. Seems possible. Prophets presumably see their mothers through a lens of gratitude and kindness as well.

So if your family or your church or someone talked about mothers today instead of just giving you a hug and some chocolate or flowers and it made you feel worse, you aren’t alone. Maybe we should have mothers talk to and about mothers.

So here I go, this is my Mother’s Day talk.

Today, I want to talk to the mothers. Fathers and children, you can quietly take notes. Draw some nice pictures, whatever.

When God called you to be where you are right now with the kids you have right now, remember- He knows and loves you and has already factored in your stupidity. Isn’t that amazing news! He also factored in your deep love for your kids and He has seen the sacrifices you have already made. Jesus came, suffered and died for the shortcomings of mothers too. Your kids weren’t supposed to be raised by perfect parents. If you have seen any perfect parents laying around (cue the mental picture of a pair of Far Side characters laying on the ground he he)- feel free to send them my way and I’ll talk to them and give them some different kids – betcha a dollar that they aren’t either perfect. They are probably great and wonderful people, but not perfect.

Your kids are yours, not anyone else’s. No one else knows the struggles that you have together and judgers be judgin’. What they think doesn’t matter. What you know deep in your heart needs to change, you can choose the change. Being a loving parent means you will see things that need fixing in your parenting. The grace of a loving God can change it through His power, not yours. It’s not your job to save your kids, it’s your job to love them. It’s your job to recognize what needs fixed in you and let God go to work with your invitation. It’s not your job to mold your kids into the latest trend or the two generations ago picture of success that your parents had for their latest trend. It’s your job to go to your knees and learn what to say and do in your kids’ lives. It’s a hard job, and you’re are terrible at it……sometimes. You’re also the best there is, because your kid or kids are bonded to you like they aren’t to anyone else. You made them and they chose you to do so. That’s what I believe. Maybe your kids came to you through some family challenges or difficult circumstances or a sacrifice on the part of a birth mom. Those kids came to you for a reason. They are now yours to love and teach. Look around you, do you see any other parents lining up to love them the way that you do?

You aren’t going to get it perfect. You aren’t setting out to make the greatest bread or the most clean house or the best dressed kids, you’re setting out to do the best job you can at loving your kids, the best way that you know how. Maybe you love to make bread and love to dress your kids in a cute and lovely way and cleaning fills your cup. Do those things, for sure. Do them for you, don’t do them for your kids because that isn’t what they need most- don’t do them because some other awesome mom does them and their kids love that about them. That’s them, you do you.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s true. If you do something to stack up to someone else there will always be someone who stacks up better than you. Holy Mother Stacker, it’s ridiculous. And it’s tiring and it’s pointless. What I believe we are really looking for is some way to say, “I’m not failing, there is someone saying that I’m doing well”. Okay. That’s an understandable desire. But what makes them an expert enough to say that with any amount of certainty? Does anyone know enough about you to say that with any validity?

We didn’t all come to the starting line the same, if this were a race. Some of us came with twins right out of the gate. Some came with infant loss first or second or later. Some came with their own parents who were non-functioning, non- present or nonsensical. Where do they get their ideas about what to try and what will work? How many of us started out with some ideas about what we thought would work only to discover that they really don’t work that great at getting the outcomes that we had in mind, or they just don’t work with every child, or just with a rare one. How many of us had no clue what we were doing and others were pretty sure they did and lo and behold we have traded places? We know more and less than we thought, thank God.

There wouldn’t be any talk that’s any good about mothers that doesn’t talk about those that would be if they could be and were but aren’t holding those babies anymore. Life is completely unfair. At least in every single other way than that Jesus suffered and died for every single thing we have ever done. In that, it is completely fair. But for everything else- not so much. We do everything we can to make things happen the way we want, to do the good things that we value and we supplicate and cry and know in our hearts that if we could change things we would. That’s why we are mothers, because we have a heart full of love ready, waiting, for the hopes and dreams that don’t always come true. We have an identity as moms that we feel deep inside and can’t always realize. I don’t understand it. But I have felt the love of women that aren’t holding the babies their arms long for. Some come and leave and some are just out of reach. These women, their mother heart is here, waiting.

I don’t understand it, I don’t have answers for you. There is really only One who can. Maybe He feels just out of reach, too. But I do know that there is not one teardrop that wets our cheek that He hasn’t counted. Your love is no less powerful or valuable for not being recognized the way that was expected.

Through the hard days and the sweet days and the gross days and the memorable days, the milestones, the bittersweet ones- we will do the best we can and we will get back up again and again. We will course correct and maybe sometimes wallow and complain for a little or a long while before we do. You are a great example in the good things you do and a cautionary tale in the things you aren’t doing so well in, your kids will learn valuable lessons in both cases. That’s what my mother told me. She wasn’t wrong.

I am certain that I could do better, I am also certain that I will. I’m certain that my kids will still need a decent amount of therapy. We just have to make the next right decision. Just one at a time. Ask what the next right thing is and do it. Apologize, hug, read parenting books, throw away the ones that make you angry and find someone who wrote it in a way that you can hear better. Look hard at what you do that you are proud of and recognize it. Look hard at what you do that you aren’t proud of and own it. Make a plan to change it. Watch for signs of progress, some things take time. Tell a mom she looks great today or that her kid is cute or that you’re proud of her for doing a great job. It will make all the difference for her and for you. When you are noticing it and finding it in others you will be better at recognizing it in yourself. Ask for Grace, give others grace. Accept grace. You are doing better than you think you are. Become the person that you will be proud for your kids to be like. They will. Forgive yourself when you fall short, and say that out loud. Your kids will learn to forgive themselves and move forward. You are the mom your kids need. Your kids are the reason that you need to change and move forward. What a blessing you are to each other.

-Jessie