Strong Moms

My conversation today with a friend went something like this.. “I find it frustrating when a bunch of moms get together and share their frustrations and ask the moms with older kids how to make things work better and their solutions don’t really help. They really can’t work for me.”

That’s a frustrating situation. I hear you. I have been you. I would listen to moms rave about how they love meal planning. Or how they love having a set early bedtime for their littles to have some time with HH (Handsome Husband) and to have some time to unwind before bed. Sounded great to me. Who wouldn’t want to have some relief from the mind numbing task of thinking of what to make for dinner and have some time to be an adult with conversation that doesn’t include poop, boogers or the word dumb.

I really did give it a good go. I tried writing down a menu and making sure I had those items and pulled the meat from the freezer and started somewhat early with meal prep. And so many things went so wrong. I realized that I didn’t really like making the same things over and over. I also didn’t have that great of an imagination in coming up with recipes to try. We didn’t have Pinterest then- well, those of us that lived in rural areas with slow internet and little service didn’t have Pinterest yet, anyway. I didn’t go to the grocery store with any certain regularity. My husband is self employed and we didn’t always need parts for equipment on the day that my previous menu ran out. We certainly weren’t making a special trip to the store two hours away. I tried just having a better stock on hand and shopping for longer amounts of time. That worked okay but week three you start to get really anxious for the sight of something fresh. You get tired of pancakes for dinner and you are surely not that worried about the menu you typed up so nicely.

I found that what worked for me was a great selection of things that you could cluster. Certain sets of ingredients could make many a latin dish and you can just adjust the type of dinner to fit which of the ingredients you have. You can buy hot cereal in bulk and make homemade granola and hide it in the fridge for the day that you have a surprise trip to town that you didn’t know about the night before. With a menu, I found myself feeling anxious that I wouldn’t use absolutely everything I had written out and that sometimes I couldn’t trade the days easily. Sometimes the baby got sick and sometimes we were simply just sick of eating that particular thing. With sets of ingredients you can switch to veggie soup instead of roast and veggies without skipping a beat.

If having a set menu fits your life, awesome! That’s fantastic that you have something that works well for you. Maybe you have menus for dinners and your husband is home every night like clockwork to eat dinner at the same time. Maybe your husband is like mine and is self employed and plans change frequently and without notice. Maybe you can pull out a tortilla and some cheese and make a quesadilla and hand the man an apple to go with that and have him out the door in less than ten minutes even though you had something else in mind for dinner.

Your life may not have room for nights where the kids stay up later because their dad isn’t getting home as early and they are so excited to show him their special project. Maybe you have a demanding early schedule and the kids must be reasonable at a less reasonable hour. But maybe you have some freedom with your schedule and you can change it up sometimes. I couldn’t manage the set early bedtime but many moms love it.

Maybe you can make early exercise a thing because you have spouse who doesn’t leave for work and can listen for the kids while you are working out or going for a run. Maybe your gym has a service to watch your kids and you can go in the mid morning or afternoon. You might hate going to the gym and running but taking an exercise class or having a cycling buddy keeps you going. Just because someone else makes it work for them doesn’t mean that you will be able to fit it in your life.

I realized that I was chronically short on sleep because having a nursing baby and a potty training toddler were taking all night to care for and instead of worrying about most of the things I thought would fix my life, I would have been better taking a nap or asking my spouse to take the kids every other morning after 6 am and letting me get some sleep several days of the week. I might have felt better able to make plans and decisions if I got some rest.

Nothing works great when you can’t get enough sleep, enough vitamins and minerals, enough calories and even enough time alone. No solution is perfect and life changes. Letting it be what it is until it isn’t any more and then finding something else that works is like the cha-cha. Don’t watch what everyone else is doing and forget that you know how your family dances better than anyone else. Don’t hold yourself to a standard that isn’t realistic. You may be going through pregnancy, divorce (both at the same time), a health crisis, a period of self doubt and regret for past decisions. Any of these things will respond better to an attitude of compassion for yourself and other people. Get some therapy from a counselor who is a good match for you. One mom might need to block out everything and focus on making a beautiful cake for her kid’s birthday to feel better. Another might need to pick up a cake at the grocery store and have a good cry in the parking lot before heading home. Some of us might need to call a friend and tell them that we forgot our kid’s birthday and feel like the worst person on the planet.

As a mom who isn’t experiencing littles anymore, I love the planning apps that would have left me cold and/or overwhelmed a few years ago. I quite enjoy getting up when the house is quiet and reading and studying and going for a five mile run. I now have a “never leave the dishwasher to be run tomorrow” policy and I can make that happen 13 nights out of 14. I like doing my hair and even nails occasionally – it doesn’t even have to be for a wedding, an appointment or a special event. I have the time and no one is going to paint the dog while I am doing these things.

I do miss the days when there were baby snuggles and exhaustion and the same things for dinner night after night. I don’t pretend they were glamorous or that I am somehow better now than I was then because I was doing my best and I realize now how hard that was. There’s not a perfect way to do everything that will make you not tired, all powerful, super organized and perfectly put together. Even people who are these things- arent’ really always these things- we just see glimpses. If you love the planner and the menu or you love spontaneous picnics and watching sunsets with the kids after bedtime sometimes- you’re a good mom. If you put the kids to bed so you can enjoy the sunsets and hate picnics, you are a good mom. You aren’t going to find someone else’s solution a perfect fit for you- take the idea and make it fit your needs, your kids’ needs, your family’s needs. Be ready for it to change and look for the great ideas that help you see a way forward.